It is a real nightmare for anyone trying to rely on volunteers let me tell you. Here's something I forget over and over again. When you request someone's assistance or presence and they answer yes, you'd better not take them at their word. You may well be disappointed. These people who fear being considered rude if they would say no don't seem to make the connection that the false promise is far worse for the person planning on them than to have simply said no in the first place. Crazy making stuff . . . so you polite white liars need to pay attention. Saying no is okay.
And, on a different track closer to what Councilwoman Barth experienced, there seem to be all kinds of rules against having boundaries in our culture. There are all kinds of bullies out there and not just at city council. From a recent article this excerpt:
"How often do we teach people that they have the right to take care of themselves? Why don’t we teach that it’s okay to set boundaries? And why the hell don’t we teach people to respect them?
You have the right to set boundaries. You have the right to have those boundaries respected.
When someone says no, the correct response is “Okay.” If you don’t understand, that’s fine. You don’t have to understand. Maybe the other person will be willing to explain. Maybe not. But they don’t owe you an explanation.
- Not “You have the right to say no as long as you’re nice enough.”
- Not “You have the right to say no but I’m gonna try to change your mind.”
- Not “You have the right to say no unless I think you’re wrong.”
- Not “You have the right to say no once you can give me a satisfactory explanation as to why you’re saying no.”
You have the right to say no, period. And if someone can’t accept that, then the hell with them. The problem isn’t you."Mirrored from Jim C. Hines.
